When your PPP catches on fire...
By Co-Co co-founder, Lynne Pagano
Finding humor during quarantine is necessary for my survival, and yet there is, understandably, a short supply of funny. Until, that is, I was introduced to the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) being offered by the Federal Government. Why I thought this program was going to be any different, then say, a memorable trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles, or a 5 hour marathon at the Social Security Office, I don’t know. But somehow, as I began to tackle the process on behalf of our business, The Co-Co, I managed to revert to my childlike self, the little girl who thought the world is fair, summer lasts forever, ice cream should be eaten three times a day, and formal applications are easy and effective. (Dare I liken it to the joy you feel walking into the salon for a bikini wax compared to the shock you feel on the way out!)
There was an urgency around submitting the application as the funds were being parsed out on a first come, first served basis and my partners and I knew the funds would most likely run out. I quickly dubbed it the Hunger Games of Entitlements. April 3, 2020, a sunny Friday, was the first day we could apply, and I anxiously refreshed my computer waiting for the application from our local community bank to land in my in-box. Right before bed (and after several glasses of wine) I refreshed one last time. Nothing. (Which in retrospect was a good thing as filling out a loan application after a couple of glasses of wine is never recommended. Maybe I should try the wine before a bikini wax—wow, I am learning something in quarantine!)
All weekend I continued to refresh my computer, convinced bankers were working 24/7. (There it was, that childlike innocence!) Monday morning the application finally arrived. The directions said it should only take 8 minutes to complete. I could handle 8 minutes! It’s quarantine. Where am I going? Four hours and 24 bookkeeper/founding-partner phone calls later, the application was submitted. The joy I felt when I hit the send button was palpable. I did it! I conquered the federal abyss. Forget about the fact we still needed to be approved. I did something to move our business forward and a bank representative was going to contact me soon. It said so on the form. (Go ahead, say it. Childlike innocence!)
Soon. Never before had I examined the conflicting definitions of the word.
Twelve days later I received a note that our application was denied because I failed to fill out an optional field. Optional, like soon, evidently means many things. The best part is I couldn’t just add the optional information to my pre-existing form, I had to resubmit a brand-new application! All under the pressure of special alerts on my phone from CNN indicating PPP funds were set to run out that very night.
This time, I assured myself, it would be easier. I’m a PPP pro now. I lit a calming candle in my office, took a deep breath, and printed out page five of the errant application. Without my consent, the printer spit out 46 pages. Lucy style! I couldn’t get it to stop. I frantically walked/jumped around my desk, grabbed the papers, threw them on my desk, went back to my chair and, and with laser focus, concentrated on the computer screen before me. The air was ripe with anticipation, determination and smoke! I set the application on fire when I nonchalantly put it on my desk. I screamed. I jumped up and down. Get hold of yourself, Lynne! I tried to pat the flames down with my bare hands when I spotted a bottle of quarantine cleaning fluid on my desk. (aka Windex!) I sprayed the hell out of the flames. Although I would not add this step to the Stop, Drop and Roll curriculum, it worked! The flames were extinguished. No Firemen needed.
About that application…The bank said we were approved, but has no idea when the loan will be funded. Oh well, even if we never get a dime from the Federal Government, the laughter on the video call coming from my coworkers when I relayed the story filled my heart with pure joy. As I said, humor during quarantine is necessary for my survival!